If Only

Their short time stay has ended today. And as i enter my lil space, I couldn’t help but smile and think how did we manage to play house with this place…

Turning off the lights and finally hitting my pillow…

Breaking up (in general) is hard to do, but it’s not always hard — it really depends on the breakup. There are the easy, necessary, and long overdue breakups along with the sad, painful, and shocking ones.

Breaking up = letting go = moving forward…

… whether it’s problem, addiction, or something you’re used to and been used to.. live or have or possess or whatever you wanna call it..

If i can only make them stay to stop this thoughts…

Identity Crisis

Right after graduation from College, I was offered by different insurance agents of their several products that best suit me. I never saw the need for me to have one then. It is not til I get back that whenever I go out anywhere or wherever, people are like bees talking, if not asking each other if they have insurance, what company, how much, this and that, blah, blah, blah.

It was not so long ago when somebody (a guy who happens to have the same birthday as me, just a year older) offered his product & even e-mailed it to me (though he said it is STRICTLY confidential).Which by the way, I never had the time to look at since I was busy with my single life.

And just last week, at one time during my bank visit, as I waited for some assistance to something, this lady who turned out to be an insurance agent explained her product in a flash. 5mins tops.

Great job as it is, I’ve been working for almost 6 years now, pretty tiring. And look where it got me.

With the current issues and law cases regarding insurance companies and the rise of different new diseases, I couldn’t help but ask myself and some people the benefits of having one, and yes, what I’ve to give up to have one and the best or maybe the better company which offers these things.

Though we might have SSS, Philhealth & Pag-ibig, GSIS also for government employees as monthly deductions, are these agencies enough to supply or provide when something comes up? How long can they release the money, just in case?

(I know sometimes it’s gonna rain – says Neyo, my background song as I write this, apparently for me, what happened the last two days is typhoon. Tell you about it sometime.)

And so just 3 days before I turn 28, for the first time in my life, I signed up. Geez.. can you believe that?
I signed up?!

To a 20 year contract with this insurance company and paid the first annual fee. Isn’t that something?
Me? Signing up? Haha!

Anyways, my agent is a 45-yr old lady who has approximately 5M amount of insurance for herself alone. Good thing for her, I seldom enjoy window shopping (I enjoy shopping, seldom window shopping) so it didn’t take her to explanation that much.

Sales talking and building rapport, her first expression when meeting me was something like “ganun pala ung boses mo e maganda ka”. I grinned. Im pretty sure I grinned. Couldn’t be more positive. Hehe.

On our 2nd meeting however, she said I was a man trapped inside a pretty woman’s body. Because I think like one and that I’m more concerned on the technical branch of her products. And added “sayang”. This time I laughed out loud. We both did.

And I remember someone told me my beauty is a curse.

Now I’m confused.

Identity crisis?

Tell me about it.

Haha!

2 x 8 = 28

After a month of pure heat, rain started pouring consecutively since two to three weeks ago. From time to time, it scares the heck out of me.Made me think something’s up. Hurdles? A change of season? Someone’s walking out of my life again? Well, tough luck friend!


And as I saunter alone (in the boulevard of broken dreams), I remember posting last year the last 26 (or less) birthday celebrations I had (see recent events). Now, to make this year’s recap works, I find myself what my life has been for the past 27 years as I can remember. Be my guest and read on…

1 –4 years old: ask my parents. 1985

5: My childhood sweetheart named Joel came into view. I became Bioman’s Pink 5. And everything’s Pink. See? I do have a childhood sweetheart. I do! 1986

6: My maternal sent me to Grade 1 without Kindergarten. Good thing I passed all the writing, reading & drawing exams.1987

7: I was transferred from section 1 to section 2. Does that mean I got dumber? There were 8 sections having 1 as the highest with at least 50 kids each. 1988

8: Grade 2. My first ever love letter. “basta crush kita. Pero hindi naman crush na crush na crush!” Haha! (it was crash) 1989

9: 3rd Grade. From section 2 to 3. I got dumber to dumbest? My classmates were all good at any Chinese garter games. Even boys I think. I can only finish up to the armpit’s level with the help of a hand. Can’t even tumbling. At this age, I wanna be a doctor when I grow up. 1990

10: One of the boys from the class touched my thigh. I slapped him and never told anybody about it but now. His name was George. 1991

11: First ever dance experience for Xmas party presentation. My considered best bud became distant to me for a reason I never knew. My doctor of medicine dream went to wanting to be a nurse someday. Someone asked me if he can court me and I was like “what is that?” The child in me. J 1992

Graduated Elementary/Primary School

12: With my average and exam results, I made it to Section 10. What’s next to dumbest? This time having 56 sections, 1 being the highest with at least 50-60 students each. My mom was my Filipino teacher. Beat that. 1993

13: From section 10 to 9. Not even close to getting smarter. Geez! Long days & pleasant nights. Bloody year. I swore not to ever, never, wear bra til I grow old and had white hairs. My desire to be an engineer has risen. My class section presented a Monday dance number titled: Lead Me Lord.. I was wearing tight tights. (Monday presentation was always held at the Grand Stand with all students & teachers, sometimes even visitors) 1994

14: Chicken pox season. From section 9 to 6. I had a huge crush with someone. And yeah, I ate what I said and eventually started to wear bra even if it itches and was never been comfortable to wear. 1995

15: My huge crush was still there (which by the way makes me laugh as I write this & remember those old days). 1996

Graduated Secondary School

16: I failed MIT’s entrance exams and passed UST’s but I was so disheartened (it was my first failure) that I missed the last day of UST’s enrolment so I went to Sacred Heart College to my dismay (I never wanted to get my college degree in the province) and thought of taking B.S. Mathematics. I ended up taking exams at Lycevm of the Philippines, Manila. Well, at least I get MIT as neighbor. 1997

17: Good thing there’s never been sections in college. Blocked, yes. But never will the genius & the notso genius will be alienated. I joined PAMANA Party, eventually won the Engineering election and elected as 2nd Representative of Engineering Council. Is it? Before finishing this year, we had a Departmental Exams, I passed & stayed (& wasn’t kicked out of school had I failed). 1998

18: Major subjects happened this year. I started to realize how broad my major is. Electronics isn’t just the old Electronics. It was new and improved - digitally. Communication’s scope is far extensive than Electronics because it is under Communications that we have to study: 1. Telephony, 2. Satellite Communications, 3. Etc. and we basically have 4-5 months to finish 1 course? That’s aside from Math subjects and laws. I joined IECEP and was elected as 3rd year rep? I can’t remember anymore. I also have a position back at the Engineering Council. I was addicted to MiRC. 1999

19. Engineering Council’s Treasurer and what was my position in IECEP this year? It’s a buuussssyyy year. Organizations + studies + friends ++. Haha! Worst part was my maternal & paternal can no longer sustain my education so I applied at KFC as a crew and passed. Before the school year & my supposed to be job started, I was a scholar. A study now, pay later type. J 2000

20. Goodbye teen, hello 20! Finally done with OJT on summer of 2001, somewhere the month of July, I became the President of IECEP – Lycevm Chapter for the year 2001-2002, whether most of the organization’s body like it or not. This is another story yet to tell. Damn, this was maybe the busiest & restless year of my entire life. I was basically enjoying the perks of my organization, travelling, studying, in love, partying, socializing, making lots of friends & foes, explaining myself to everybody, etc. etc. etc.

People loved and hated me just the same this year. My parents weren’t an exception because apparently, I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend til I finish college. Why is it that I wasn’t born in a much liberated and open country? Why?

Without flying colours, I finished my engineering degree in 5 years time. No more, no less. What more can my parents ask for? Yeah, of course, me finding a job & not marrying early til I’m settled. Because it is a failure for parents to have a child finished her college and be jobless. 2001

21. I failed my engineering licensure exam. 6 points away to passing. And I never took another after. I’ve got myself to blame and no one else. I was laid back, attending review classes but not reviewing & not putting my heart into it. J Guess, I wanted nothing but a job and be independent. 2002

My grandmother asked me when am I getting married. Creepy.

22. I left the country and worked abroad. A certified OFW, I have become. Another new chapter of my borrowed life. Away from my parents. You wanted to see and be with them but all you can do is call. Gotta pay my scholarship anyway. Better start now. 2003

23. I started gaining weight. The traveler in me still travels, the student in me still study, this time about culture and their basic language, we’re still together though we’re apart. Hehe. New friends, same single life. 2004

24. After 2 years abroad, I was home again. 2005

25. We’re still friends though no longer together and still apart. Hehe. A sinner and a saint, I did something out of the 10 Commandments. Nanay passed away. I still feel sad with the thought of it.2006

26. Seeing friends, trying to: make a living, be a good daughter, friend, enjoy & live life. 2007

27. Overseas again. 2008

28. Home again. 2009

I sound boring with the last 5 years. Go read recent events coz it was these years that I started taking pictures, blogging & making web pages.

Did you count how many times I wrote the word “fail” regardless of failed or failure or just fail? If yes, how many are they?

My 28th birthday, it will be. And I’m still a child. At least to parents, I will always be.

Later.

I was back

Back to mah old life, new place and faces…

Sometimes it’s hard showing everybody how independent you’ve become.. people you know of have a tendency of well, leaving you really alone and make you do things on your own…and it’s even harder knowing all your friends have left the country to go overseas for jobs.. how the government and politics’ disease remains and I think it’s even spreading wider.. and wider.. contagious.. nationwide..

I’ve never felt so alone and in need of a lot or a little rally round than ever!

I’m not suppose to be here yet. But with the help of an officemate (thanks po!), I was able to get this place. Fast. I mean, the day I got back, this place’s considered m-i-n-e. At least for the time being. Anyways…

About me now is THANKFUL to:-my MAL colleagues, for all you’ve done for me. You all know what I’m thankful of. Big or small favors that is. No special mentions of names though. Especially to my ## kgs excess baby phat baggage… whew!-the crews of MAS for waiting for me! Maybe next time you should remind the passengers that they’d be taking train to the boarding area..(wink!)-the guy at the airport. Dunno the name or anything though he’s not local. Man, you’re a big help. And sorry for the trouble my 2 big boxes (25kgs. each) + 2 luggage (20 + 15kgs) have caused you. Can’t put down my World Tour guitar and Lego Batman. (giggles)-the staff of Festival Mall for helping me with my 10 bags without asking for any money or tip. True pinoy gentleman! Yay!-my father for the fish, veggies and barbecue. D-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s!!! 2 thumbs up! And for knowing that I’m using him to bring back my stuffs again with no complains. Hehehe…-my mader.. for spending time packing my things. Next time please add a little more that can fit. Necessities.-my aunts for always, always, and always being there. with or without pasalubong and duty free shopping.

About me now is TIRED:i haven’t had a longer and good night sleep since 01Mar.it’s 2352H and I’m typing.. my mind is in non-stop mode thinking about things.

About me now is SORRY:for the bad and wrong and disappointing things I’ve said and done. help me name a few…. i do no right. i just write.

About me now is GLAD:i was able to spend a little time with some people i very seldom see and be with. miles away.. who knows when are we gonna see each other again. i hope soon….
About me now is PISSED:bleh. it’s accidental as you may all say. who believed the excuse of “site problems”? yeah, right… it’s not a God-Game people and you’re talking about 2000 heads. I’ll do you a favor by cutting myself out. make it 1999.

About me now is SAD:none of my business since I haven’t been here, I wasn’t there. I’m not God to know what really happened but things are getting sadder and longer. it hurts to know people you care about are hurting. how time flies so fast… who forgives, forgets, regrets. what we all want is JUSTICE. who speaks the truth and all. it’s not fair hearing only one side of the story. what if the same thing happens to you? what if it’s too late to reconcile? so many questions but the answers are so few..

we should all know our responsibilites and act like one. i pray for both parties. Justice will prevail. God will guide & give us all the answer. I pray we all make ourselves prepared and accept the outcome whatever it is. Somehow, there is a reason why. there is a purpose. And He’s the only one who knew..

to the kids most especially, it’s never easy. it never will. tough luck to the journey called life! i miss seeing you all together like the good old times. you’re so many and little but it’s fun. please don’t let anyone, anything or ANYBODY cloud your mind. they can all say and tell whatever stories they want, can advise you however they want but THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS.

Life is too short to fill you heart with fear, with anger, with hate and later on suffer… keep moving forward…

I’m just here.

Lost

Just another TV series I don’t have the heart to stop watching. I’m in debt to SK for introducing me to this series. And I’m not yet, or should I say, I’m far from falling in love with Doctor Jack. No doubt he’s strikingly handsome but there’s just something about him that makes him a non-boyfriend material. Duh? ROFL! Well, I guess he’s just too handsome & kind & gentle?

I’ve 2 more seasons to go & the story’s just keep on getting better & better. 5 stars!

As for me, I’m still LOST. Nomad. Who knows how far I should go and where I would/must go. I’m still in search for the reason of my vague existence. I have so much to ask, but there’s no person who can answer my question. And I’ve a lifetime to find out. Come, join me?

I never asked for this kind of life yet it is given to me nonetheless.

My 28th birthday, it is.

And I’m still a child. At least to my parents, I will always be.

Later.